Update

A LOT has happened since my last post.  Sadly it turns out that IVF #1 was a blighted ovum.  Essentially the placenta cells started growing somewhat, but the baby cells did not develop.  So after a rollercoaster ride of a positive pregnancy test and then numbers that didn't rise as they should and then disappointing ultrasounds; I eventually needed to have a D&C.  We gave my body a few weeks to take care of things naturally, but nothing happened.  I remember crying in hospital bed waiting for the procedure wondering if we were doing the right thing and wondering if the risks were too great.  Dr. Kahn assured me that it was a fine decision either way and that we had waited longer than most people do.  I had the D&C on May 26th, 2010. 

I am glad to be documenting this now, so I cannot really dwell on all the sadness and emotions I was feeling going through it.  Definitely one of the hardest things I've endured.  And all the while, my amazing husband was there to support me and hold my hand and do whatever he thought he could to help. 

Fast forward to August.....  it took a long time for AF to come back which is what we needed to move forward for the next cycle.  I don't know if I recorded it, but we were able to freeze 3 embryos from the first IVF cycle.  Technology is amazing, huh?  So in the beginning of August we begun a FET cycle  (Frozen Embryo Transfer).  It's much less intense than a fresh cycle; only a couple of doctors visits.  However, I had to have regular IM shots in my bum.... ouch!!    We elected to transfer only 1 embryo this time as well, on 8/27.  Exactly one week later, I "cheated" and POAS (peed on a stick) and it was negative.  I cried, but John wouldn't let me give up hope and we searched the Bump and lots of women told me it was too early and not to give up hope. 

But yesterday (9/9) was the beta blood test..... I was a nervous wreck all day.  I didn't know what the results would be and let myself believe that it could go either way.  I called the office twice to try and get the results (which I didn't).  Finally around 3 the nurse called.... negative.  It didn't work. 

Even though I tried to brace myself; I still dissolved into tears and told my boss I had to leave.  He caught me in the hallway and I choked out to him... "It didn't work, again, it's not fair, all the doctors visits and shots... and it's so frustrating...."  He told me not to give up and said take tomorrow off if I needed it.  He made sure I was okay to drive too, I told him I was. 

I went looking for John, hoping to find him before he called me, but he called me first.  So I had to tell my husband over the phone that this cycle failed and he's not a daddy.  It breaks my heart.  John left work also and so we spent a quiet evening at home together. He made the most delicious split pea soup for us. At times, I am so wrapped up in this and don't think about that it's a disappointment for him too.  But you know what?  He immediately suggested we take whatever the next steps are.  And I think that helps both of us a little.

WE ARE NOT GIVING UP!!

So, we made an appt for a consultation on Monday to talk about what went wrong and how/when we can start the next cycle.  The next cycle will be a FET also.  We have 2 frozen embryos; and there's no guarantee they will both come out okay.  John and I need to have some serious conversations; but I believe we're leaning towards transferring both of them. 

I have concerns about twins.... particularly any risks that may be to the babies!!  I don't want to cause any harm.  Selfishly, I am scared of twins; how will I be able to breast feed two babies at once and cuddle two babies at once and and and....!   Yet, I also have concerns about continuing so many cycles of IVF.  There is some evidence that fertility drugs increase your risks of some cancers.  I'd like to minimize that if possible.  So we shall see what happens, but John and I will need to soul search about this. 

All I can say is that I love John dearly and could not imagine going through something like this with anyone else.  He can pick me back up and set me on my feet after any blow, even if he's hurting himself.  I am lucky and blessed to have him in my life!!!

A Newborn's Conversation with God

A baby asked God, "They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?"

God said, "Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you."

The child further inquired, "But tell me, here in heaven I don't have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy."

God said, "Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you. And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy."

Again the small child asked, "And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don't know the language?"

God said, "Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak."

"And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?"

God said, "Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray."

"Who will protect me?"

God said, "Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life."

"But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore."

God said, "Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next to you."

At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, "God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angel's name."

God said, You will simply call her, "Mom."

Build me an Ark, An Update, and 17 is our Lucky Number

I’m lying on the couch; breathing is a little labored right now, like someone is sitting on my chest. I hope that I really don’t end up needing an ark for rescue! As it turns out, my ovaries have hyper stimulated and are continuing to produce fluid even after the egg retrieval. So my abdomen is swollen and sore, the fluid is putting pressure on my lungs, and I just feel sick. But let’s talk about some good news….!


24 eggs retrieved

22 eggs mature

17 eggs fertilized

As of this morning (day 3): still 17 embryos growing strong!

The egg retrieval was Wednesday, it was a little scarier than I expected. The IV did not hurt though. I was already really bloated and painfully uncomfortable and swollen with eggs that morning. After lounging on a bed getting some lactated ringers (plain ol’ fluid) run into me, they led me into the OR. I sat down, scared, and they helped me put my legs up into “stirrups” (but really these go under your knees) and had me lay back. The nurses told me their names, complemented me on my penguin socks, and that’s all I remember. I woke up with John talking to me back in the bed in the little cubby we started out it. They told me they got 24 eggs! 24 EGGS!!!

After that, John kept talking to me and I kept telling him how much I loved him and how glad I was that he was there. I was very groggy, and before I know it, they’re telling me to get out of bed to walk. So I did… and then they removed the IV and sent me home with a prescript for vicodin. It was all very fast. I got very nauseous in the pharmacy and had to sit down, but I kept it together. Stopped at Wendy’s on the way home, and I started to feel much better after getting some food in my tummy. I felt sick, bloated, and woozy all afternoon and basically slept and rested on the couch. I got up Thursday and went to work….

…that’s where I went wrong. Thursday morning I felt pretty good. However as the day wore on I felt worse and worse, more bloated and just sick. I left as early as I could (4:45, ha!). Friday morning I woke up feeling bad and decided it would be smarter to take care of myself and stay home. Good thing, ‘cause I didn’t keep breakfast down, and I got sicker and sicker at the day wore on and started having trouble breathing. I finally broke down and called the on-call nurse at 5:30 or so. She said they want to see me Saturday morning (this morning) in Rockville and they may want to drain the fluid. I spent last night sleeping sitting up on the chaise lounge in our bedroom… well with the help of vidodin until 4am. Then this morning I felt a lot better, but we still went for a checkup.

The doc confirmed with ultrasound that I have “a touch” of OHSS. A touch?!? I would hate to know what a more severe case feels like!  Thankfully, he didn’t offer to drain the fluid off (I’m not thrilled with the idea of going under again). But there is the very real chance that the transfer for Monday will be cancelled. You see, pregnancy makes the OHSS worse in many cases. His advice has been to stay off my feet completely for the next two days and rest and drink Gatorade. On the way home from the doctor, we stopped at the grocery store to get some chow. Just being up and walking around for that hour or so has made me so miserable again. So I’m going to take the “stay off my feet” advice seriously. BTW, my wonderful sweet loving husband is taking very good care of me and making sure I stay put on the couch. I don’t know what I would do without him. He really is the greatest guy!!! <3

They’ll check me again on Monday to see if I’m healthy enough for placing one of our babies in my uterus. Oh I do not want to cancel this…!!! I do not want to be sick either!!! If my body isn’t ready for it then they will freeze the strongest embryos. We had planned to do that anyway, but I really have my heart set on a fresh transfer. This whole process is so sci-fi to begin with and it’s even harder to wrap my brain around freezing and thawing a live organism.

Oh…to bring it home, I thought of the ark reference because I feel like I’m being overtaken by fluid. Bad joke… sorry, but you know my sense of humor!!

A Nervous Wreck for the Egg Hunt!

I was already nervous about what could go wrong with my egg retreival tomorrow.  My worries have included - fearing that I'd ovulate today and lose all the eggs so they couldn't get them and worrying that I will spill "the cup" and we'll have nothing to fertilze with.  But I talked to the nurse and she said my hormone levels are perfect and she sure I won't "lose" my eggs.  I've also decided that Lovey will be completely in charge of the cup. 

Now, something new has crept up to worry about.  Lovey just called, he's on his way to the hospital, he hurt his back at work!!  He told me not to rush there.... yet.  I feel just awful for him, he sounded miserable, but he was able to drive himself there.  Knowing John though, it's got to be bad if he called his supervisor and is going to the hospital.  I pray it's nothing major! 

Keeping my fingers crossed and too worried and nervous to do anything productive right now.  Wishing I was one of those who had to run off nervous engergy or felt the urge to clean something.  Maybe one of these hormones will develop that response in me?

Call me Hen... I'm an egg making machine!

I've been seeing the doc for bloodwork and ultrasounds every day since Tuesday.  This morning they counted 20 (!) follicles on my right ovary and 10 on my left.  The doctor said he wouldn't be surprised if they were able to retrieve 30 eggs.  WOW!!!  Of course, along with this overacheiving response to the medicine comes the risk of OHSS - ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome.  So they are watching me close and have changed the medicine I will use to "trigger"  They also expect me to trigger on Monday, which means the retreival will be on Wednesday. 

I've been feeling sick and sore the past couple of days and very tired.  I'm sure it's the hormones and my "factory farming ovaries."   This morning the nurse said they were just getting me ready for pregnancy.  I hope that I don't continue to feel like this all through pregnancy... I don't have enough time for daily naps most days.  But in the end it will all be worth it!! And what's more - if they are able to retrieve so many eggs, then we may end up with many stellar embryos!  It's completely sci-fi but they can freeze the embryos and transfer them later.  We'll have high-tech kiddos!!!! 

I'm feeling a little more scared as things are moving on.  There's no doubt that I want to be a mommy, but I realize there is so much I don't know and I don't know how we'll make it all work.  Time, money, know-how, emotion... but I guess these are all normal emotions to feel?  I was in CVS yesterday, and I walked past the section with all the kiddo medicine.  I realized I wouldn't know what to buy if our baby was sick!!

...sigh... I should probably only worry about one thing at a time and not get ahead of myself!  I want to enjoy this entire process.  Maybe it's not the "normal" way to grow a family, but it's our way... and it's no less wanted and cherished than any other!!  You better believe our kiddos will know just how desperately they were wanted!!  No 'oops' here!! 

Better than expected, and wild crazy dreams

This morning I had my first monitoring appointment.  It's Sunday, and so I had to wake up really early (for a Sunday) and hoof it down to Rockville.  The morning came sooner than I would have liked, because I tossed and turned all night from vivid crazy dreams.  I'm sure it's the hormones.  Vivid dreams would be great if they were about babies and happiness.... instead I dreamt that I was being tracked by vampires who wanted to turn me into one.  When I woke up, I asked Lovey if he set the alarm so no one could sneak in the house.  So dreams, and really bad headaches are pretty much all the side effects so far.  Although, just today, I finally feel like something is happening in my ovaries.  Yay! 

In the ultrasound this morning, the tech said she could see 10, yes TEN, follicles on my right ovary and 6 follicles on my left ovary.  I tell you, this is waay better than expected!! During our work up tests, the ultrasound showed only 4 follicles on each ovary.  You know what more follicles mean?  More eggs,... which can lead to more embryos, which can lead to more babies!! 

I know, this is such a bizarre way to look at procreation.... like a science experiment really.  (well... except I hope it's less of an experiment and that they know what they're doing!)  But this is the hand we've been dealt.  I talked to Mom (John's mom) the other night... and we agreed, if I was sick with cancer (god forbid) I would use medicine to fight it with all I have.  In this case, we're fighting for our future baby's life.  And, it's not playing God.  God gave mankind the knowledge and the ability to develop science and medical technology.  Right...? 

"I'm a doctor, why am I here?"

Yesterday we had our Injection Class.  Lovey, true to form, says to the nurse during introductions, "Well, I'm a doctor so I wasn't sure I had to come to this class."  I couldn't contain the laughter to let him keep the charade going. 
The class started about 30 minutes late.  We hung out in the waiting room, wondering what the delay was and if we should be talking to someone or what.  I seem to always feel that way in the doctors office.  While they're all very nice, I think they do this sooo much they assume that I know which room to sit in and who I'm meeting with.  (Like Monday, after the ultrasound, I marched myself right into Dr. Khan's office and sat down. I didn't realized he looked surprised until he said, 'No you need to go next door and Tracey will go over your protocol"  Ooops!)

So... we stuck needles into these flesh colored flat fake boobie things.  Lovey demonstrated with gusto just how he will give me the trigger shot in my bum.  OMG - I was even scared as he jabbed the needle down on the table.  But the nurse seemed to get a kick out of us.  She explained a little more about, ahem, "the birds and the bees".  Because really, this is how we're making a baby. 

Tomorrow, I will start sticking my tummy with needles.  I can't believe it's finally time to really get started.  

Last week, my meds were delivered to work.  I knew some had to be refrigerated and I thought I would be slick and put them in a lunch bag in the office fridge.  Not so much, it was a huge silver bag that needed to be refrigerated, so I shoved it into the back - on top of an old pizza - and hoped for the best.  Then on my way home, I stopped at the craft store.  If we need to store these meds handily on the counter, I want to make it fun.  So I picked up a few photo boxes and some scrapbooking stickers.  I adorned the boxes with the stickers and stashed the meds inside.  Two on the counter and one in the fridge.  That's a lot of drugs!

Dear Trip....

I've decided to dedicate this blog to our future child.  Of course, right now, "its" name is Trip.  That's for John Joseph Jr... Triple J...Trip.  However, I assure you no matter boy or girl we will love and cherish Trip just the same!  (Of course... I seriously doubt a girl would wind up with the name Trip in this case!)

I have three things I want to put out there in this blog....

1. A little essay I found entitled "Meaning of Life."  It's a sweet couple of paragraphs that speak about the desire to become a Mommy and the intention to never take a moment of it for granted.  Of course I could simply copy and paste it here... but I have better plans for it. 

2.  "Dear Trip..."  I want to put together what Lovey and I are going through to get to our child.  Someday they'll be able to read it know just how badly they were wanted and just how much they were loved even before they were in Mommy's tummy.

3.  I've got plans and goals and ideas... and a running list of rainy day treats in my head for when our child is here.  I'm so excited for the magic of childhood.  Okay... really - I'm ready for a good excuse for Lovey and I to play and have fun and not get all the sideways glances.  (You know... like wearing a chicken costume in Target)  Oh the fun we will have and all the adventures we will take!!

Novena

Speaking of luck... My wonderful MIL, and yes I really do adore her, is now fully in the loop of our situation.  Lovey told her that we're having trouble making a baby.  So she wanted to know every detail, numbers, tests, etc.  And so I spilled all the beans about what's been happening. 

MIL is sad and frustrated along with us.  She had sent us a figurine of the Holy Infant of Prague before Christmas.  We had placed it on the hutch in the dining room.  She brought it up in or conversation and asked for me to *please* pray a 9 hour Novena because it could help us.  So I'm planning to do that this weekend. 

I feel a little bad referring to a prayer as "lucky" because that's not quite fair.  We'll see if this gets God's attention to give us a little boost so that we may get pregnant and deliver a healthy baby. 

Good Luck Charms

I listened to a podcast today about talismans and good luck charms to help one get pregnant.  Right now, I don't have any lucky charms; maybe I could use one. 

Lovey and I are ready to be parents.  I can picture baby "Trip" following Daddy around the yard in a pair of overalls helping.  Becoming a mommy was supposed to be magic.  Like a spell that you duck out from under for years and years until the one day you decide to stand up and let the magict dust fall onto you.  Too bad I stood up only to find there was no magic dust.