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Wednesday, February 22, 2012

"Thoughts on Becoming a Mother"

I did not write this, and take no credit.  I "borrowed" from someone else on the internet.  It's poignant and true.  My favorite line is:  "I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall." It's that little bit of time that I need to mourn and cry and be sad - before I stand back up and fight again.  Because I do stand back up...
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.... I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Unlearnable Lessons

We have a diagnosis for the miscarriages – it’s my bicornuated uterus. It’s not a septum, so there’s nothing we can do to correct it. Dr. K recommends we try with the little frozen guys – one at a time, because a twin pregnancy would be dangerous for me and the babies. If this doesn’t work, it looks like we may need to turn down a different path.

Feeling so sad for myself – I wondered to a friend that maybe God was telling us that we should not be parents. I was reminded to think of how many people do have children and waste that miracle thru abuse, abandonment, addiction, etc. Yeah… may be I will never remember that lesson on my own when I need it. This challenge should not be taken as a sign that we are unfit.

My Lovey is brilliant! He believes that we were brought together, each with our own problems, so that we could not blame the other for our predicament; and also because we are very strong team. That our strength will shine for whatever outcome we end up with. He is so smart and I love him so much!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

A rotten-no-good-day!

A rotten-no-good-day! Yesterday morning, I got a bad feeling – and subsequently had a meltdown for my poor husband to deal with. I was very apprehensive of the HSG test I was to have that afternoon. Well… my gut was right, just like when I had the feeling of dread that coincided with losing baby Benjamin.

I explained to the Physician’s Assistant who was doing the HSG all the reasons why we were repeating the test. She said she had looked in to my chart ahead of time, but I filled in some of the gaps for her. Turns out – my uterus did look bicornate from one angle and “weird” from another angle. So much so, she actually called the doctor who teaches the HSG procedure to come in and take a look. He was very nice, and they talked through some other angles of looking at the dye in my uterus on the screen. However, what he did say wasn’t as impacting as what he didn’t say. I put him on the spot, basically asking him if I could carry a baby…. He said that it would be left up to Dr. Kahn to determine the exact treatment, but if it’s a septum and we remove it “I guarantee that you’ll have a live baby.” Ah – but what he didn’t say………. If it’s no septum and it can’t be cut out – does that mean my body is just not made to produce life? That is what I heard.

On the way home, I called my nurse coordinator, Chris, and vented on her voicemail. She did call me back – again I’m reading into what was said – she has asked Dr. Kahn to call me today to discuss how these test results may or may not affect moving ahead in this cycle. To me, that is stark indicator that I should expect they will impact whether or not we go ahead with a Frozen Embryo Transfer.

Right now I feel like everything is whirling around me and I’m standing still. I feel like I’ve been following a path that has always been mapped out for me but maybe I don’t belong on it. I can’t quite put words to the unsettle-ness I feel. What I do know is that I cannot put those three little embryos back into my uterus just so they can die. I did tell Lovey that if things go the way I think they will – I want to put them up for adoption. I don’t want them to die! I think adoption is beautiful and magical – and it also happens to scare me. It’s like I just climbed a ginormous mountain – I’m tired, I had to learn what to do on the way… but only to get to a point where you realize there is another huge climb ahead of you – and you have to learn a whole new set of tools to ascend. I don’t know adoption lingo, costs, resources, how-to’s. It’s been so difficult thus far – I don’t know if I mentally have it in me to start over. Then………I think about explaining to some little face how I gave up on them because it seemed too hard. And I feel like a monster. Guilt.