Writing

Do you remember writing notes about very. important. things. to your friends or crushes in middle school?  I had journals with my best friends that we passed back and forth in high school.  I have boxes of letters from my best friends from elementary onward.  Writing was .... is... the "safe" way of communicating.  It's safe because you don't have to feel the rejection immediately, and it's safe because you get time and space to carefully craft your thoughts without stumbling over words and facing someone's immediate reactions.  Those journals and letters are spackled with crossed out words - and torn edges where the words were just wrong and I threw them away.   Time and space are amazing gifts when it comes to my heart.  

Motivation vs. Protocol

Guilty... Scrolling through flashy images with succinct nuggets of obvious wisdom on Pinterest has, thus far, not helped me lose any weight and get healthy.  Actually, the opposite is true - as I'm bigger than I've ever been in my entire life.  You don't get "jacked up" on motivation.  Motivation is not what I need right now - I need skills and action.  I think about what I want and come up with an approach in generalities -- but lack the actual clarity of which next step to take.  Lately I've been thinking about all the things I endured went we did IVF.  I took pills; I ordered medicine, I made sure it arrived on time, I scheduled shots, I stuck myself with needles.  I got up super early in the morning to show up at the doctors office for more poking and prodding and bad news.  Over and Over for years.  I kept meticulous records of protocols, results, appointments - and had it all organized in a binder.  It did not work - but I followed the process.  It was a foreign and challenging process.  I had to learn endless acronyms, medicine types, routes of administration, not to mention the financial side of dealing with insurance, loans, and payments.  

So why, if I could train myself to climb that steep learning curve - why have I struggled to do the same thing with mastering my health and my weight?  Is it really so different.  Mustering the courage to stick myself in the ass with a giant needle is so different from mustering the courage to walk into a gym?