Update

A LOT has happened since my last post.  Sadly it turns out that IVF #1 was a blighted ovum.  Essentially the placenta cells started growing somewhat, but the baby cells did not develop.  So after a rollercoaster ride of a positive pregnancy test and then numbers that didn't rise as they should and then disappointing ultrasounds; I eventually needed to have a D&C.  We gave my body a few weeks to take care of things naturally, but nothing happened.  I remember crying in hospital bed waiting for the procedure wondering if we were doing the right thing and wondering if the risks were too great.  Dr. Kahn assured me that it was a fine decision either way and that we had waited longer than most people do.  I had the D&C on May 26th, 2010. 

I am glad to be documenting this now, so I cannot really dwell on all the sadness and emotions I was feeling going through it.  Definitely one of the hardest things I've endured.  And all the while, my amazing husband was there to support me and hold my hand and do whatever he thought he could to help. 

Fast forward to August.....  it took a long time for AF to come back which is what we needed to move forward for the next cycle.  I don't know if I recorded it, but we were able to freeze 3 embryos from the first IVF cycle.  Technology is amazing, huh?  So in the beginning of August we begun a FET cycle  (Frozen Embryo Transfer).  It's much less intense than a fresh cycle; only a couple of doctors visits.  However, I had to have regular IM shots in my bum.... ouch!!    We elected to transfer only 1 embryo this time as well, on 8/27.  Exactly one week later, I "cheated" and POAS (peed on a stick) and it was negative.  I cried, but John wouldn't let me give up hope and we searched the Bump and lots of women told me it was too early and not to give up hope. 

But yesterday (9/9) was the beta blood test..... I was a nervous wreck all day.  I didn't know what the results would be and let myself believe that it could go either way.  I called the office twice to try and get the results (which I didn't).  Finally around 3 the nurse called.... negative.  It didn't work. 

Even though I tried to brace myself; I still dissolved into tears and told my boss I had to leave.  He caught me in the hallway and I choked out to him... "It didn't work, again, it's not fair, all the doctors visits and shots... and it's so frustrating...."  He told me not to give up and said take tomorrow off if I needed it.  He made sure I was okay to drive too, I told him I was. 

I went looking for John, hoping to find him before he called me, but he called me first.  So I had to tell my husband over the phone that this cycle failed and he's not a daddy.  It breaks my heart.  John left work also and so we spent a quiet evening at home together. He made the most delicious split pea soup for us. At times, I am so wrapped up in this and don't think about that it's a disappointment for him too.  But you know what?  He immediately suggested we take whatever the next steps are.  And I think that helps both of us a little.

WE ARE NOT GIVING UP!!

So, we made an appt for a consultation on Monday to talk about what went wrong and how/when we can start the next cycle.  The next cycle will be a FET also.  We have 2 frozen embryos; and there's no guarantee they will both come out okay.  John and I need to have some serious conversations; but I believe we're leaning towards transferring both of them. 

I have concerns about twins.... particularly any risks that may be to the babies!!  I don't want to cause any harm.  Selfishly, I am scared of twins; how will I be able to breast feed two babies at once and cuddle two babies at once and and and....!   Yet, I also have concerns about continuing so many cycles of IVF.  There is some evidence that fertility drugs increase your risks of some cancers.  I'd like to minimize that if possible.  So we shall see what happens, but John and I will need to soul search about this. 

All I can say is that I love John dearly and could not imagine going through something like this with anyone else.  He can pick me back up and set me on my feet after any blow, even if he's hurting himself.  I am lucky and blessed to have him in my life!!!