The Hamster that Never Ruminates

I never get tired of that story where a Person is told they are no good- they lack the skill or talent or ability or social status or (insert limiting factor here) and then the camera cuts to a clip of them doing that exact thing someone or many ones said they could not. I love it every time. I feel a swell of pride for that person and respect for their tenacity and audacity to run right past that posted stop sign.

You see, in a rule follower. And I thrive in those nuggets of assurance - you write well, you did this or that or good job.... And I follow those signposts like fail proof directions. It’s safe to travel this way because I’m good at it, not a lot of criticism - ooh, let me clarify that last sentence. There isn’t a lot of outward criticism but the voice in my head is always always reminding me of how I could have, should have, and need to do better. Heck, if I’m following along the breadcrumbs of atta-girls there is no excuse for me not to be a rockstar. Right? If I was chasing something I was told I couldn’t do, it would be ok to suck at it - but not when it’s something you’re supposed to have a talent for. And this is where insecurity blossoms, In this space of thought. There are expectations for me to excel, and so any mishap is embarrassment and reason to flog myself.

I’m doing it now...wondering if there is something I have long since discarded and forgotten I wanted to do because someone said that it would be a terrible fit. Some dream I lost along the way in which maybe I could be that story of overcoming. But really, I’ve got to battle and overcome my own mind. The terrible, paralyzing ways of thinking and overthinking and analyzing. Ha, the exact process that generates a written piece like this - as I deconstruct myself to find where I went wrong, and then get stuck here in one spot instead of moving forward.

Rumination, I think is the right term. And maybe that’s why some can overcome. They don’t have expectations, only drive and desire to ‘do’ and so they keep moving forward and don’t stop to dissect where it went wrong or where it only seems like it went wrong. But once you hop on that ruminating hamster wheel. How do you get off...I’ve got no idea because I’ve been stuck and I’m tired.