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Tuesday, February 14, 2012

A rotten-no-good-day!

A rotten-no-good-day! Yesterday morning, I got a bad feeling – and subsequently had a meltdown for my poor husband to deal with. I was very apprehensive of the HSG test I was to have that afternoon. Well… my gut was right, just like when I had the feeling of dread that coincided with losing baby Benjamin.

I explained to the Physician’s Assistant who was doing the HSG all the reasons why we were repeating the test. She said she had looked in to my chart ahead of time, but I filled in some of the gaps for her. Turns out – my uterus did look bicornate from one angle and “weird” from another angle. So much so, she actually called the doctor who teaches the HSG procedure to come in and take a look. He was very nice, and they talked through some other angles of looking at the dye in my uterus on the screen. However, what he did say wasn’t as impacting as what he didn’t say. I put him on the spot, basically asking him if I could carry a baby…. He said that it would be left up to Dr. Kahn to determine the exact treatment, but if it’s a septum and we remove it “I guarantee that you’ll have a live baby.” Ah – but what he didn’t say………. If it’s no septum and it can’t be cut out – does that mean my body is just not made to produce life? That is what I heard.

On the way home, I called my nurse coordinator, Chris, and vented on her voicemail. She did call me back – again I’m reading into what was said – she has asked Dr. Kahn to call me today to discuss how these test results may or may not affect moving ahead in this cycle. To me, that is stark indicator that I should expect they will impact whether or not we go ahead with a Frozen Embryo Transfer.

Right now I feel like everything is whirling around me and I’m standing still. I feel like I’ve been following a path that has always been mapped out for me but maybe I don’t belong on it. I can’t quite put words to the unsettle-ness I feel. What I do know is that I cannot put those three little embryos back into my uterus just so they can die. I did tell Lovey that if things go the way I think they will – I want to put them up for adoption. I don’t want them to die! I think adoption is beautiful and magical – and it also happens to scare me. It’s like I just climbed a ginormous mountain – I’m tired, I had to learn what to do on the way… but only to get to a point where you realize there is another huge climb ahead of you – and you have to learn a whole new set of tools to ascend. I don’t know adoption lingo, costs, resources, how-to’s. It’s been so difficult thus far – I don’t know if I mentally have it in me to start over. Then………I think about explaining to some little face how I gave up on them because it seemed too hard. And I feel like a monster. Guilt.

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