2011 was not a great year...

This past year, 2011, has been very difficult.   There's no way to sugar coat it.  In the spring, we did a fresh IVF cycle - and we were pregnant!!  We saw a little heartbeat...  I really can't rehash all the details again, so I will c&p and email in which I shared the details with my best friend.

4/8/11: 

We went to see the OB (Dr. Ayoub) and he could not find any baby on ultrasound.  He said there was so much bleeding it was hard to see; but he did see a sac but nothing in it.  He asked that we go back to Shady Grove (Dr. Kahn) and have him do another scan – and “luckily” they are both in the same building.  So he called Dr. Kahn for us and we went to his office.  He did another ultrasound and was able to see the sac, but it took a really long time for him to find the fetus.  There was no more heartbeat.  On Monday it was in the middle and you could see it and the hearbeat easily.  Now it was kinda stuck to the side and hard to see.  The hematoma stayed about the same size since Tuesday.  I learned it’s also called a SCH – sub-chronic hemorrhage.    Dr. Ayoub says it’s common in about 30% of pregnancies and comes from where the sac attaches to the uterus – kinda like an injury that doesn’t heal right.  But it doesn’t always cause problems.    Both Dr. Kahn and Dr. Ayoub agreed that we’re miscarrying and have lost this baby.  So, Dr. Kahn confirmed what Dr. Ayoub suspected and both agreed chromosomal testing (it’s called something else) of the fetus is probably a good idea since this is our second miscarriage.  The best way to make sure we can do that is to have a D&C done rather than wait it out at home.  So Dr. Ayoub squeezed us in to have the procedure done tomorrow. 

Honestly , I’m numb right now.  I did come back to work… and was really distracted and busy, until I just talked to John again.  He’s so sad.  I feel like a failure.  Both doctors were very sweet and supportive and both reassured us that there was nothing we did to make this happen.  Which is nice to hear in some ways but in other ways – I’d like to know WHY… you know?  Is there something we can change now? 

Lovey wrote this poem and shared it on Facebook:

Dad’s Angel
My special little child I never picked your name.
Know Dad always loves you, my life you would have changed.
I never got to meet you though I saw your small heart beat,
I never got to hold you or tickle your small feet.
You may have been a little boy or a little girl
To me it would not matter, I just want you in my world.
At six weeks old you were too small to see with my bare eye.
Know it hurts Dad deeply to have to say goodbye.
You never saw this world for the bad place it can be,
You went straight to Heavens gates to wait for Mom and Me.

John J Davis
04-07-2011

Things were not to be simple either... standard testing of my HCG levels after the D&C indicated something was wrong.  They were going up!  I was sent for a 3D ultrasound at a radiology facility.  That would not be standard either - the technician had a difficult time getting a good picture.  My uterus is bicornate - heart shaped and they did see something left behind.  I had to have a second D&C.  Insult to injury....

A few weeks later, after all the testing came back, we learned that "it" was a normal boy.  I remember how the air was sucked out of my lungs when Dr. A said that.  I was not prepared to know we lost a little boy...who should have been fine.  No definite explanations for what happened.  John and I decided to name him Baby James.

After some time to heal; Dr. A had me do a thorough blood panel and an MRI.  The blood testing did not show any major issues, thankfully.  The MRI confirmed that I have a bicornate uterus - not sure if its from a septum or why it is the way it is.  This is confirming another stumbling block to our dream of becoming parents.  I am just not shaped the best way... 

Dr. Khan was not overly concerned with my bicorate uterus, and our nurse Chris backs that up by saying they have patients frequently with successful pregnancies.  So, after healing, we jump back in to another cycle. 

This time, we have serveral strong embryos.  We were scheduled for a 3 day transfer, then bumped to a 5 day.  We showed up on day 5 - they did not have us change, took us into a room and asked us to wait.  I panicked...wondering what was wrong.  We were bumped to a day 6 transfer cause there were several strong little guys still growing. 

We transferred two embryos; and froze 3.  We were pregnant!!  The ultrasound showed a heartbeat..and showed a small second sac where his twin was.  This time, I started bleeding the next day - I had gone to a bowling party, and had bowled just a frame.  I went to the restroom, saw blood and completely panicked.  Hysterical, I went to Sharon and we called John and he took me to the ER.  The ER was not very sympathetic - but they told me the baby measured behind.  Back to Dr Khan's office and there was still a heartbeat - and another SCH.  But this time...Dr Khan is confident we're ok.  Our nurse Chris gives us graduation instructions - has us make appointments with the high risk doctors too.

The day for our first appointment with the maternal fetal (high risk) doctors turns out to be traumatic.  The technician - just as if she's telling us the weather - says there is no heartbeat.  She was just as calm and cold as could be. 

What I should add - is that two days prior - I noticed all my symptoms ceased and I felt something was wrong.  Apparently, I was right...we think that is the day our baby died. 

Again - another D&C (10/14/11)... and again - testing came back to show a perfectly normal little boy.  WHY?!?!?  If he was a perfectly normal little boy why isn't he in my arms right now!  We named our little boy, Baby Benjamin.

Christmas is our favorite time of year, but there was no magic this year.  While in Michigan for Nicole & Alex's wedding in November, we made our usual trip to Bronners.  I picked out two sweet little angels and a memorial ornament for our tree.  You should have seen me in this happy Christmas store with tears rolling down my face.

 I am so disappointed with SGF right now though.  We received a letter that they are cancelling the shared risk medicine option as of the end of 2011.  We will get a refund of $7500.  But, it's not clear if we'll owe for past medicine, and we will need to pay out of pocket for any medicine going forward.  I am  not happy about this added stress.  We chose to use the shared risk programs to avoid adding more stress to the process. 

We have three embryo's on ice right now and we cannot let them down. So, to kick off 2012 we are meeting again with Dr. Khan to consult on the next cycle.  I pray that 2012 is kinder to us...