The Hamster that Never Ruminates

I never get tired of that story where a Person is told they are no good- they lack the skill or talent or ability or social status or (insert limiting factor here) and then the camera cuts to a clip of them doing that exact thing someone or many ones said they could not. I love it every time. I feel a swell of pride for that person and respect for their tenacity and audacity to run right past that posted stop sign.

You see, in a rule follower. And I thrive in those nuggets of assurance - you write well, you did this or that or good job.... And I follow those signposts like fail proof directions. It’s safe to travel this way because I’m good at it, not a lot of criticism - ooh, let me clarify that last sentence. There isn’t a lot of outward criticism but the voice in my head is always always reminding me of how I could have, should have, and need to do better. Heck, if I’m following along the breadcrumbs of atta-girls there is no excuse for me not to be a rockstar. Right? If I was chasing something I was told I couldn’t do, it would be ok to suck at it - but not when it’s something you’re supposed to have a talent for. And this is where insecurity blossoms, In this space of thought. There are expectations for me to excel, and so any mishap is embarrassment and reason to flog myself.

I’m doing it now...wondering if there is something I have long since discarded and forgotten I wanted to do because someone said that it would be a terrible fit. Some dream I lost along the way in which maybe I could be that story of overcoming. But really, I’ve got to battle and overcome my own mind. The terrible, paralyzing ways of thinking and overthinking and analyzing. Ha, the exact process that generates a written piece like this - as I deconstruct myself to find where I went wrong, and then get stuck here in one spot instead of moving forward.

Rumination, I think is the right term. And maybe that’s why some can overcome. They don’t have expectations, only drive and desire to ‘do’ and so they keep moving forward and don’t stop to dissect where it went wrong or where it only seems like it went wrong. But once you hop on that ruminating hamster wheel. How do you get off...I’ve got no idea because I’ve been stuck and I’m tired.

I Like Waiting

I love to wait.  Arriving early for a flight seems like a time luxury to me.  Sometimes I plan my wait time – and bank on getting something productive completed like a report for work.  More often, I don’t plan my wait time and I just enjoy the forced downtime.  I don’t feel guilty about being still for a little while because I am doing something; I’m waiting for my plane!  This is time I can wander around and look in shops; grab a snack; watch people; and just breathe. 

I don’t mind waiting in line at the grocery store.  I even don’t mind waiting at the DMV.  Those blissful snapshots of forced downtime are little mini gifts in our days.   I can’t choose to be still for 15 minutes without feeling utterly guilty about whatever it is I should be doing instead.  Heck, I just tried it… I watched my dog lounging on the floor next to a block of sunshine from the window and thought, I should just breathe and sit with him for a moment.  That lasted maybe 30 seconds until I felt the urge to right this latest epiphany down.  

Writing

Do you remember writing notes about very. important. things. to your friends or crushes in middle school?  I had journals with my best friends that we passed back and forth in high school.  I have boxes of letters from my best friends from elementary onward.  Writing was .... is... the "safe" way of communicating.  It's safe because you don't have to feel the rejection immediately, and it's safe because you get time and space to carefully craft your thoughts without stumbling over words and facing someone's immediate reactions.  Those journals and letters are spackled with crossed out words - and torn edges where the words were just wrong and I threw them away.   Time and space are amazing gifts when it comes to my heart.  

Motivation vs. Protocol

Guilty... Scrolling through flashy images with succinct nuggets of obvious wisdom on Pinterest has, thus far, not helped me lose any weight and get healthy.  Actually, the opposite is true - as I'm bigger than I've ever been in my entire life.  You don't get "jacked up" on motivation.  Motivation is not what I need right now - I need skills and action.  I think about what I want and come up with an approach in generalities -- but lack the actual clarity of which next step to take.  Lately I've been thinking about all the things I endured went we did IVF.  I took pills; I ordered medicine, I made sure it arrived on time, I scheduled shots, I stuck myself with needles.  I got up super early in the morning to show up at the doctors office for more poking and prodding and bad news.  Over and Over for years.  I kept meticulous records of protocols, results, appointments - and had it all organized in a binder.  It did not work - but I followed the process.  It was a foreign and challenging process.  I had to learn endless acronyms, medicine types, routes of administration, not to mention the financial side of dealing with insurance, loans, and payments.  

So why, if I could train myself to climb that steep learning curve - why have I struggled to do the same thing with mastering my health and my weight?  Is it really so different.  Mustering the courage to stick myself in the ass with a giant needle is so different from mustering the courage to walk into a gym?

Tell Me, then Tell Me Again

Know your audience or you risk making them feel stupid.  Or maybe that's just me.  I scroll through LinkedIn or Twitter, sometimes Facebook and come across articles and taglines that just don't make any sense to me.   Either re-reading it a couple of times or skipping it altogether, I scroll on by because I just didn't get it.  I used to think that I was the problem, just not "getting it."  ... and well, that may still be the case sometimes, but more often it's because writers - or social media posters - throw something out there using all the collected and built-in shorthand they automatically translate in their brain.  Your audience may not know the acronyms or slang or shorthand, and when they don't - you lose them very quickly in a sea of information.  In some situations, that may be just fine - if they don't know the jargon then this article or informative tidbit just isn't for them.  Still, you lose a potential contact, audience member, opportunity, or whatnot because they strolled (scrolled) on by.

I'm guilty of this- I know I rush through my writing and thoughts, and especially storytelling.  Most of the time I worry about boring the person with too many details or fear they just aren't that interested.  But now, I think I've just been shortchanging my ideas.  Self-consciously speeding through a point I want to convey limits the potential that my audience will grasp it.

The most powerful pieces of communication state a fact or idea; back it up with a story, rephrase the same idea, toss in some humor; and likely rehash the main idea again.  This is how something sticks!   

Last Sunday my pastor's daughter gave the sermon.  Her topic was Love, simply biblical love is not a feeling but a choice of action.  There, I said it in a single sentence.  She spoke for almost an hour and showed a video clip, but she wasn't repetitive, but rather expansive.  Most importantly - I remember the lesson.  It stuck!

It takes patience to effectively expand on an idea; to extend the explanation of terms and ideas and creatively explain yourself without saying the same thing over and over again.

I read, er well listened to, an entire book on the "5 Second Rule."  This rule can be summed as a countdown trick to propel yourself into action as soon as a thought or cosmic 'nudge' enters your brain - remove overthinking and hesitation by counting down 5-4-3-2-1 and then act upon the thought.  It's rather simple - but application in daily life is varied and challenging.  In her book, Mel Robbins shared anecdotes from her life and others in how they used this rule in their lives.  Mel expanded on how tactically using this rule leads to major life changes and improvements.  She didn't call it the "butterfly effect" but described it as such.  Going into the book, I first thought "how many different ways can she say the same thing?"  But by the end of the book, I'm a believer in this tool to really help one (me!) improve in life and not waste it away with hesitation.   (Ha, hence this essay, actually!)

If either presenter succinctly stated their concept in a single sentence and expected the audience to hear it, understand it, and feel the life affecting impact - they would have been disappointed.  Something familiar to you is colored by experience, history, repetition and usually personal application.  The consumers of your idea, your audience, won't approach your content the same way and can then easily miss your point.  Missing the point could be interpreted by someone as
"I'm stupid for not getting this - speaker Joe said it so simply"
or
"they don't know what they're talking about, that's too cliche to hold water"
or even
"I don't get it and so I just don't really care."
Either way, you miss your mark and lose the opportunity to make an impact.

Giving too much detail and working in too much repetition could weed out those who aren't super interested in your topic, and that is OK.  Whatever it is, it's not for them.  Those who care to know, will wade through the detail or fall asleep trying.

Did I make my point... did you get it?  I hope so... but... ok, one more example!


This guy laments that music today isn't appreciated.  The crux of his argument is that it's so easily made and then consumed that people do not spend the time listening to a song over and over to appreciate the complexities and understand the lyrics.  We tend to listen to the first few beats of a song then skip to the next. The magic and meaning is lost.

Repetition and ample time for our brains to unpack ideas and lyrics are what give meaning to a concept.  

Tell me, then tell me about it one more time!

An Unexpected Intersection - or - Which Shoulder Should I Listen To?

 

Two seemingly opposing voices have been dominating my thoughts lately, but this past Sunday they intersected in the most magical way.

I'm a "baby Christian" and by that I mean that I believe in Jesus, that he died for our sins, the Bible is truth, and church is a good thing (but often poorly executed).  I admit that's it, I can't quote verses, and sadly, seeking God isn't always my first reaction.

I'm also a "self-improvement junkie" and by that I mean that I consume content on bettering myself, my work habits and performance, my mind, my fitness, my parenting.  I'm always scrolling and reading and watching for advice to be and do better.  Lately, Gary Vaynerchuk has my attention - he is a positive force on the entrepreneurship stage right now.  He makes mistakes "out loud" meaning that he doesn't read books, or study plans, he takes action - and uses that to learn about what he is good at.

And then to collision came with this statement by Pastor Mike on Sunday:

Doing and serving is how you learn, and how you disciple.  It's not knowledge alone - it's doing.

I'm hearing the same thing - take action instead of studying and working to craft the perfect situation or opportunity - just leap!   Gary V. proclaims strengths over weaknesses and focusing on what you're good at and what you're passionate about - instead of focusing on improving your weakness and remaining stuck or mediocre.  Granted his "theater" is the business world.  Pastor Mike said God wants us to do what we're good at and not criticize ourselves for what we aren't good at - then let other people come along side of you and fill in those gaps.

 So here is where I am stuck... because perfectionism and doubt are my downfalls.   I want to step out and do what I'm being called to do -- yet I have no idea how to hear the Holy Spirit direct me.  Sure, I've got lots of ideas.  How can I know if those ideas come from the devil on my left shoulder or the angel on my right shoulder?

A couple weeks ago Pastor Mike said that God wants us to serve, and go ahead and try things even if we aren't sure.  Then this past Sunday, I heard that we need to be careful to listen to the correct influence (Holy Spirit vs. the world) to know what action to take.  How can I tell the difference between those two voices - Satan and God?  It seems like a ridiculous question, especially when I see it in black and white here.  If it all comes downs to mind games, and confusion... it's difficult to tell.

"Non-Geek Girl Wants to Learn MTG"

This title sounds a bit like a missed connection ad from Craigslist.  In all seriousness, it's about time that "Red" learns how to play the game.  It's going to be a hoot.  Web searching this topic is hilarious... 6 steps - oh that should be good fodder for my write up.  Ha!  Each of those steps is an essay at a minimum.

Through this endeavor of building up Sarge and Red's I've learned a lot about using multiple online platforms to cultivate an online business: eBay, Craigslist, TCGPlayer, and social media.  MTG cards can be watched like the stock market - various influences drive prices up or down and you've got to react and keep your prices in line.  And that buying collections of cards and sundries often means meeting with "characters" in parking lots... which is why Sarge handles that part!

Sarge thinks it's high time I get into the game... and I agree.  Time is going to be tough - I am a mommy and  I have another full-time job.  But, it should make for some entertainment, so I'll share my adventures as I go.

And if anyone knows of a beginner-friendly game in our area - hit us up!

Same dock - before and after a miracle.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.

...

Life is a series of thousands of tiny miracles

Due for a Name Change - Reinvention

The topics I most gravitate towards now are self-awareness and self-improvement.  All that leads toward being more decisive.  More doing, less hedging, shorter pauses and consumption time.  DO.

I have a long way to go, but I'm really trying to be a better, more productive me, at home and at work... in life.

Therefore... let's ditch the "Indecisive Redhead" moniker.... time for something new... a "to-become" moniker.

Ideas and feedback welcome...

Just Do - Experience Greatest Teacher

This is such a trite statement -- experience is the greatest teacher.  I posted earlier about eliminating the space between inspiration and action.  That space is a pit for rumination.  It's precariously cobbled and only the most self disciplined can cross it.  I'm not super self disciplined - yet - and easily get lost in the weeds of choices and gathering more information and studying and comparing and, and, and... just pausing before actually DOING something.

One more book, one more video, one more article - to make sure I'm perfect before I leap out of that pit.  However, there's always more to consume and check and compare against before taking an action.  INSTEAD, take the action -- don't wait, toss fear aside because you will learn from this what not to do and what to do next time.  It's progress, not perfection.  Don't be afraid to make a mistake and learn.  Consume the experience and feedback from your action and move forward.  Don't stall and consume the pontifications of someone else.  They aren't perfect either.  No one is.  More action, more chances to win, it's that simple.

Kill the Count Down Genre

I won't get anywhere with 'How to be Totally Awesome in 10 Simple Steps" because first of all, that just does exist.  Awesome by who's standards?  And there is nothing simple when it comes to augmenting your own thinking and perception of yourself and the world.  Every article I come across online anymore is some number of things to achieve something great.  Snooze... when will the countdown genre die out?  By now, don't most people scroll on by those false promises of quick fixes?

Lists do display neatly on a phone screen though; and are quick and easy to digest.  I don't have time to read all my emails for work let alone verbose articles about magical thinking.  So, do I talk myself into or out of composing top-ten pieces of prose?

No one likely cares about this except me, maybe a person or two who loves me, and perhaps another writer.

Business Wisdom from my Father in Law

Tom walked out of his interview to work for Big Boy, where he ultimately became Vice President and trained new managers on leadership.  Here's the punch line, obviously, he got the job.  The interviewing manager sat back from his desk with his hands behind his head and feet propped up on his desk.  Sensing lack of interest and disrespect, Tom said "...." and politely excused himself.  Not more than hours later, he received a phone call from the assistant asking him back.  This time, the interviewer sat across from him at a restaurant table leaning forward and making eye contact.  Flippantly, the interviewer asked "is this better?" Tom replied that "yes, and thank you."

Manners and respect matter.  He got the job, they wanted him on the team because he expected and returned respect.  The interviewer saw in him qualities that he could instill in the line level employees of the restaurant - which ultimately is about providing a service to the public - and making a customer feel valued.

I've learned more nuggets of wisdom sitting across the table from this man.  He is technically my father in law, but from the very start he accepted me as his daughter and I accepted him as my father.  He's teaching me so much every time we're able to spend the quality time chatting.  I'm so very grateful for him!

Our Story Part 2: Before Tripp, there was Baby James, Baby Benjamin, and Baby Hope.

Our Story  Part 2: Before Tripp, there was Baby James, Baby Benjamin, and Baby Hope.

John and I had been married a few years at this time and were pumpkin patch picking pumpkins, mums and decorations for the fall.  I love planting mums and fall decorations are just so cozy and homey feeling.  Well, we were standing among rows and rows of mums at the pumpkin patch when we both turned to each other and said “this would be so much more fun with a kiddo!”  That moment still gives me goosebumps.  We knew we hit that magic moment where we were ready to start a family.  

Ok, I’ll toss the birth control and we’ll be pregnant in no time.   How naïve I was – I completely believed all the warnings from sex ed… however that was not how it was meant to be. 

In 2011 we lost both Baby James and Baby Benjamin.  In 2012, we lost Baby Hope right before Christmas.  

Good at What ?

What are you good at?  And how can you be sure if there are so many other things you haven't tried yet?  Instead of a powerful "decide and move" musing...today I'm musing about my talents.  I just heard Gary V. declare that the world is really good at pointing out your weaknesses and selling to them.  "Weight Loss!"  "Self-Help!"  "Financial Freedom!"  Because... our desire to improve and fix and get better is based on our ego, our idea of self-worth, our esteem.  

Instead, what if you could figure out what you're good at?  What is your strength? Or multiple strengths and how can you capitalize on those, then find crutches or help or outsource the rest.  

Me, for example... this is not an original idea, but it's new to me, this concept of focusing on your talent instead of your flaws.  I am good at hearing an idea or a concept, becoming inspired by it and taking it forward.  I'm not the best at coming up with my own ideas.  This bothers me... a lot.  It's why I don't write very often because I feel like it needs to be original.  And yet, maybe it's not -- I'm not writing a fictional story and plagiarizing.  I am simply articulating those little simple truths that rattle around in my brain.  I muse -- focus on a concept and let it transform me.  Maybe that is something to be good at and can be useful... 

Eliminate that space between inspiration and action

That space is the hesitation, the second guessing.  It’s the gap that lets perfectionism run through and distract you from achieving anything.  I’ve been trying to focus on “done is better than perfect.”  That pause that is allowed between the idea and the execution can be brief enough to guard against impulsive foolishness or long enough to stop all momentum. 

That risk of being impulsive could just as easily be counted as a stepping stone to greatness.  That impulse to jump and take action against your idea, immediately without ruminating on every single possible alternative and nitty gritty detail can short cut you to a failure – which in turn, with the right mindset – is the lesson you need to do it better next time.  No matter how much you study and prepare for something – nothing is a better teacher than actually experiencing it.  This is why doctors go through residency.  Sure, studying for 8+ years in school gains you a lot of knowledge, but it’s nothing compared to performing on a live patient in the operating room. 

That space between inspiration and action represents fear and hesitation.  Jump the gap, execute the idea and reap the knowledge from the results.  

*hits publish without a second thought*

Raining Signs

It’s happening again… He’s happening again…

At swim lessons on Saturday, a former colleague who I am connected to on Facebook says:  “oh, I meant to tell you Congratulations on number two!”  Me: puzzled look…   “Didn’t you adopt again, I thought I saw that on Facebook?”

On Sunday John, Tripp, and I take a road trip to buy Magic cards, so lots of time for conversation.  We have a real conversation about us and our family and why we’re dragging our feet on the homestudy.  I am finally able to explain my fear of handling everything right now.  And we discuss how right now is temporary.  Tripp will only be little for so long.  I said I am certain that I will regret letting my fear stop me from pursuing more kiddos.  I am still certain of that…

This morning, I read a blog post that cracks my heart open.  I read a lot of essays, blogs, posts about foster care and adoption.  But this quote nailed it: 

"You can handle getting attached and getting hurt. You’re an adult. You can handle it. They are kids."

My fear is so much smaller than the real horror some kids are being forced to deal with.  We can make the choice to step forward…

Our social worker emails me next, this morning, asking to come do our final visit on Thursday.  I wrote back asking about having all the paperwork done – she says that we can work on a schedule and she wants to have our homestudy done and us licensed by the end of the month!

A friend texts me, as I’m emailing our social worker… she asks if we’re licensed yet because a baby she's concerned about is somewhere unknown and she’s getting CPS involved.  She wants him to go to a good and safe home. 

I don’t think I asked for a sign… but it’s raining outside, and God is raining signs down on us.  I’m scared, nervous, and excited.  And we have a LOT of work in front of us!


Edit: John reminded me of one more sign - on Sunday evening I hung a new sign on our front door, it says LOVE.  

Why aren't you following me?

I am a speaker…. Really.  Someone said that if you declare something, it can become true.  I am also a writer.  Both of these statements are honest.  I delivered a speech on our adoption journey with my husband at a fundraiser banquet.  I have a blog.  I regularly present some kind of update or report via conference call weekly and another in-person of some form or fashion monthly.  So yes, I’m a speaker and a writer.  Are you following me?  

What to say Instead...of "Just No"?

You know I adore Glennon Melton of Momastery.  She's a canary (read about her to understand what that means).  Today she posted about not only teaching our kiddos to "just say no" but instead HOW to say no.  Brilliant!!  I remember... okay who am I kidding.  I know how self conscious you can feel in a social situation, I want to be liked and not look stupid.  While I'm eons from needing this nugget of wisdom, I want to remember it for me, so I can help my kiddo(s) when the time comes.  

Yes, we spend hours talking to our kids about WHY to say no, but we don’t tell them HOW to say no. When they are put on the spot, they don’t have hours to explain their decisions to their peers. They have a split second. And while our teens and ‘tweens want to make the right decisions, they often want to avoid awkwardness even more. In the absence of a plan, they’ll likely default to yes. Just like we so often do. Maybe they’re not saying yes because they want to rebel—maybe they really do say yes because they don’t know what else to say. They need help knowing, preparing. That is where we come in.

Watching him walk from the window

I'm lucky.  I am able to work from home and I have a caring nanny who takes good care of Tripp during the day.  Maggie and Tripp just walked down the lane together holding hands, she stopped and squatted.  There was something on the ground that she picked up and I could tell they were talking about it.  Maybe a caterpillar.  After a minute, she placed whatever it was in the yard, took Tripp's hand and continued walking down the lane.  

This scene just tore up my heart.  I should be out there with Tripp...holding his hand, talking about the bugs and trees and enjoying the sunshine.  He's only little for a so long.  Instead, I'm upstairs, negotiating data from spreadsheets, trying to make sense of numbers and widgets to audit big company's telecom spend.  

I'm thankful that I've been able to arrange for people to care for Tripp, and can have a good career, and be close.  Yet, I still feel so sad.  I want to walk thru the world with him and not miss the wonder and the most adorable exclamations of 'WOW' that come from his little mouth.  

Yellow Roses to Heaven

I wish I could send you yellow roses for your birthday and Mother's Day like years past. 

 I wish I could say Thank You and tell you exactly why I am expressing gratitude with my new found understanding.  I can now grasp how fiercely you loved me and the sacrifices you made - giving up yourself for the role of taking care of me and my brother.  

My heart clenches when the love for my son collides with the memories of you, Mom.  His guileless smiling face with smartly raised eyebrows - daring me to come and smooch all over him - allow me to have a glimpse of what looking thru your eyes at my face may have felt like... and I want to hug you so desperately in that moment.  I want to apologize for not trying harder, for not fighting enough for you.  You fought for me, you caught my puke, you let me sleep in bed next to you when I was afraid in the middle of the night.  You cheered for me at softball games, riding lessons, band concerts, and tennis matches.  You sat me on the floor and piled puppies in my lap.  I don't remember it but I'm sure you wiped my bum a million times.  You talked to me, you loved my boyfriend - fiance - and now husband.  You were the first person I wanted to share any achievement with because I knew just how proud you'd be.  I know you told your friends about everything I did.  I know you loved me.  No matter the situation, even near the end when it was very hard for you, you still made sure to tell me that "I love you more than anything in the world."  I wish I understood the gravity of those words and what they meant and every little action behind them.  

I don't think any person understands what their mother feels and sees until they become a mother.  It was easy to accept your love and care and take it all for granted without considering the depth and sacrifice.  I knew you as mom, that was your "job" to be mom... I didn't know you as Rita.  I regret that now, I regret the conversations we could have shared. I yearn for my son's granny.  He sees you in pictures and he'll hear you in stories when he gets a bit older.  You would have given him the moon and every treat his little eyes lighted upon.  You would have seen "God's Exclamation Point" in his red hair and believed in miracles then. 

I regret my hesitation to share the details of our adoption journey with you.  We, you and I, were stuck, focused on your adoption.  Your story was different and heartbreaking and more than any child should endure.  Yet, I assume you resolved to be a better mother because of that.  And you were - you were an excellent mama.  If you had known how close we were to adopting, would if have made a difference?  There's no way to know, and events fell in to place in a timing that could only be described as divine.  I try to give all that to God and not "what-if" myself too much.  

God gave me my son so that I could withstand losing you to your battle with your demons.  I am certain He saved me that way.  I tell my son every night - "I love you more than anything in the world" - and that helps me remember you, mama.  I'm sending yellow roses to heaven.